Non-negotiable. He will not add a fourth. (He has thought about it.)
Official biography · unverified · possibly fictional
The man behind the tank.
His name is Jared. He has built exactly one tank and has never once apologized for it. What follows is the truest account of him that could be typed without a lawyer. No lawyers were consulted. There is no lawyer.
✦ By the numbers
His resume, quantified.
Every number below has been audited by the fox. The fox found nothing wrong. The fox is also the only one who would notice anything.
One tiny tank. It has never once let him down. He lets it down daily.
The fox’s. See: emotional damage, chapter one.
He plays the game himself and feels the consequences.
✦ The journey
A tragic arc, by the year.
Every maker has a journey. His is shorter than it should be, and twice as sad.
1994
The square
A square moved across a CRT grid. He watched for two hours. Both of them were changed. The square never fully recovered.
2007
The incident
Attempted rocket. The garage is still smoking. The neighborhood has forgiven him. The roof has not.
2013
The key
Learned the W key exists. Wept privately. This page is the first public admission.
2019
The button
A blue button fell from a hunter’s coat. The fox claimed it, lost it to a flood, and became wiser. Do not ask. He’s mayor now.
2024
The first tank
A tiny tank rolled out of a browser tab. It was ugly. It was loved. It had more eyes than it needed.
2026
The war
Tiny Tank War shipped as a single file. Critics call it “cozy.” He does not know what that means. He accepts it.
✦ The team
One man, one fox, zero backups.
Corporate structure: a pyramid. The pyramid is the man. The fox is the apex predator.
Jared
Chief & Only Officer
Builds the tank. Breaks the tank. Rebuilds the tank at 2 a.m. under a streetlight he can’t see. Reports directly to the fox.
dept. everything
The Fox
Creative director · unpaid
Survived a flood, a meadow, and one (1) product launch. Sits in the meadow. Has been re-elected. Salary: “someday.”
dept. wisdom
QA Division
Staffed by whoever’s holding the keyboard
Current incident report: “The purple one is too patient. We are scared.” A request for a fourth heart is pending forever.
dept. consequences
✦ What the enemy says
Reviews from the other side.
Collected from the battlefield. All four tank types responded. The purple one was reluctant.
✦ FAQ
Frequently asked nonsense.
Asked by players, answered by Jared, edited by the fox. The fox removed nothing. The fox added a sentence about the meadow.
- Why is the tank so small?
- He couldn’t decide on a size, so he picked the one with the most eyes.
- Is there a sequel?
- The tank hasn’t forgiven him yet.
- Can I request a feature?
- Yes. It will ship in the game that lives inside the game where this game is a memory.
- Are the walls real?
- Emotionally, absolutely. Physically, they’re eight hits from becoming a suggestion.
- What’s up with the fox?
- He’s the only one here who’s survived a product launch. Respect the chain of command.
✦ End of biography
That’s the man. Now the war.
One tiny tank, three little hearts, and a neighborhood of menaces who are definitely not fans of the biography above. Go read it to them.
Play Tiny Tank WarAllegedly true · one single file · zero downloads